46 is the new 16
Not sweet 16 though... It’s more like the middle age where one either feels like he can still keep up with the young ones or he knows how it is to be young once. And from each of those sentiments, it can likewise be sorted out into different classifications and the needed balance between impulse and forethought. Much like a cross between introspection and one’s thought-of public perception leading to either refutation or acceptance, it consumes our consciousness of what transpired out of our existence over the years.
I’m 46
Similarly, I ponder on the what-ifs, the how-comes, the why-nots and even the when-will-it-bes... Yes, despite of the seeming assurance of that “things-you’re-thankful-for-couldn’t-have-happened-if-you-had-it-any-other-way” sort of assumption, I do have regrets. Nonetheless however, I also have aspirations still. These two account for my quintessence as how I’d put it, I guess... Conditional on someone else’s impression, I’m either a failure or a success but it’s serving a purpose.
More than anything else though, I’m glad to have made it this far (or the other way around depending on how you look at it) with a disposition to grasp the realizations behind things happening for a reason. Or at least, that’s what I want to believe to be some conscience-clearing, dignity-assuring and pride-sustaining mentality. Simply put, it’s apparently how I’ve positively carried my fragmented self-worth. It may be as sordid - “sorry did/sorry didn’t” - as it could as well express how I am a failure, both, for what I’ve done wrong and what I’ve failed to do. Not that I’m engaging in self-pity but some means to admit my shortcomings as a first step to come clean and start anew perhaps. I’m breaking free...
First of, it’s to make amends with my own person for lying to myself. It equates to being untruthful to others. I’ve projected a fulfilled facade even at times when I’m inadequate. Yet amidst our social media-influenced society, it’s not even because of that but because of wanting to assure loved ones (family and friends) of a secured outlook when in fact I have my vulnerabilities.
I suppose, I was a people-pleaser until now. Yes, until now that I’m boldly opening up not just about myself but probably paving the way towards further discouragements and analyzations as to my revelation of who I seemed to have pretended. Kindly take note of the word “seemed” there, for I didn’t intentionally pretend. It was never to be purposely pretentious. It was how I didn’t want people to lose faith in me; even just for the people who I thought understood me the most at least. I was no different from those who mask their emotions as much as those who filter their profile or featured social media photos. It may appear to be no different from timeline-posted “happy-nings” yet there could be sadness behind it. Scripted. Edited. Lights. Camera. Action! Cut!
For me though, it may be a case of “what you see is what you get” but I opted to leave some vital truths that are better off kept personal. On that note, I believe to have done the right thing. Thus, let this also be a reminder not to impetuously share everything for public scrutiny particularly when people actually know the truth and have seen the difference. However in my case like anyone else’s, you are gauged by what’s rather presented (or posted) compared to the obvious. Worse is when one is judged for it. Consequently, we are oblivious to, as much as naive about ulterior motives and the unfamiliar factuality; indeed, much like an encryption, people rather “F@€!{ Actuality!” What’s given seems boring, whereas borderline overstatement is intriguing...
For what seemed to have been deemed as ok, actually, it isn’t all sugar and spice and everything nice. As above-mentioned, I have my share of failings and unwittingly enkindled disillusionment. It won’t even pass as white lies as it’s how categorical we want things to be well-received and be “liked”.
Social media is supposed to be a consorting avenue, yet it has also become a platform for misleading informations. And in not wanting to condone such duplicity, I’m guilty of not washing our dirty linen in public which could send a partial depiction of the whole story. Others however, want that kind of attention which, on the other hand, could also work as a balancing factor for comparison among a shared audience. It has become a spectacle or a circus of some sort that draws-in either praise or criticism, in silence or through the brouhaha of gossip. Spreading like wildfire, all the fuss of these tidbits tend to give you a new uncharted personality.
You know how some personalities get recognized with an award due to some of their outstanding nature based on partial criteria showing only the good side... Or those people given “lucky breaks” or those in position... I know a lot who have been endowed with good merits and consummate advancement notwithstanding the skeletons in their closets. Not really liberal to that as much as never was on such receiving end... Thus, I’m starting with this (starting with myself).
I just turned 46. Midlife crisis perhaps...
I sometimes have to be 16 to understand our 16-year old daughter. Sometimes, 10yo with our son and now, we have a 2 1/2-month old baby girl... Like how we’re caught up in this social media generation, we adjust to its/their prevailing capacity offsetting it with that of our established know-how.
Now as I hope, it’s all about being what and how 16-year old or so teens (and everyone else) should be - amidst today’s technological breakthrough in this age of social media influencing - and that is to be real. Although in this “apps and downloads” times, being real gives an outmoded impression. It allows an alter ego in an alternate universe so it seems. Alt + Shift?
What better time to shift than on my way to 47... “for test even” - (and that is) to “test even” how people will react. And as I’ve hinted early on, unpretentiousness is aimed at for all its worth. One essential aspect is to take into consideration its conceivable backlash. Similarly, to come to terms with those I believed I’ve disappointed will be liberating. As I seek for your forbearance, allow me to somehow “let off steam” like a 16-year old, not because it’s my birthday but considering that I’m trying to move on, to move forward - as UTTERly plainSPOKEN as possible. Anyone who knows me being the “funny guy”, would most likely see a different side of my persona. As long as it already is, this article gets longer... Bear with me. Indulge me
And so after a relative self-remission, I’d like to apologize to a lot of people actually as much as this is going to be some honest-to-goodness admittance...
Having this feeling of getting compared to my siblings being the least successful (if I’m even one; I’m the poor one actually), I apologize to my mother for falling short of her expectations to even be someone I hope she can really be proud of no matter what. I’m sorry that she was subjected to confide to others about her concern and disappointments over my assumed incompetencies. And I’m sorry for feeling hurt every time I hear about those negativities instead of confirming it with her. I guess I was afraid to hear it directly from my own mother. I’m sorry that I can’t seem to shake-off the stigma of that perception of me as the happy-go-lucky odd-one-out. I’m sorry to have thought and kept to myself that she seem to find fault in us if only to gain sympathy at our expense. With that, I’m sorry to have misled her with the notion that I’m doing ok when in fact I would have appreciated getting support from her even if it’s just a little understanding. I’m sorry for resorting to what appears to be living beyond our means (that she doubted and questioned) if only to show her that we were doing fine and to keep up with what’s acceptable for her. I miss those times she thought I had that clout having held a respectable position back in the corporate world. I’m sorry for looking out for myself out of pride and moral principle when I resigned from my work/position she deemed with pride; thus, she worried so much. I’m sorry for feeling that her every annoyance at home is triggered by her disappointment in me or my family. I’m sorry we don’t have enough. I’m sorry that I’m not good enough.
To my siblings, I’ve bothered them as well with my shortfalls for which I also apologize. I’m sorry to have fallen short of my choice over a potential success elsewhere to be here instead (for our parents) as it proved insufficient. I’m sorry to have set my priorities based on a more laidback setting. It may have been a choice as much as it’s what I’ve always thought to be a more liberating and noble cause giving back the care to parents, and yet I wasn’t able to deliver as much as even I, myself, have expected. I’m still trying and working on it though, however, I’m sorry that it’s taking longer than it already is...
Whereas with friends, there are varied reasons for different traits and attributes. To my best friends, we’ve gone a long way and through the years, you’ve respectively manifested the essence not just of friendship but of brotherhood. Through ups and downs, you’ve covered my ass in so many ways I couldn’t be thankful enough. You’ve had my back without expectations which, at times, I don’t think I’ve reciprocated well enough; thereby I seek for your understanding and dispensation. I’m sorry to have felt ashamed to even notify you of my standing, embarrassed of how and when I’ll be able to compensate for my deficiencies. Grant me more patience and I’ll be able to repay your kindness.
To my friends, before anything else, this may affect you like those who think they’re the ones being referred to in every apparent “implied rebuking/denunciation” for a post. Possible. Probably. Most likely. Yes. But then, don’t react if you’re not guilty. If it hits a nerve, then it’s the reason behind this apology and this call for absorption towards realization for such a divulgence.
Friend/s,
After all these “dramatic twists and turns” for a revelation, it’s something that I also hope will encourage truthfulness instead of the detrimental or vilifying posts against others or oneself in the midst of fakery, hypocrisy, contradiction and exaggeration or even “emotional crisis”.
There’s sunshine after the rain... Abangan
Oh and by the way, I’m sorry that I don’t have money to treat you in celebration of my birthday... by now, you probably don’t like me anymore anyway... Happy Birthday to me then! ✌🏼
Not sweet 16 though... It’s more like the middle age where one either feels like he can still keep up with the young ones or he knows how it is to be young once. And from each of those sentiments, it can likewise be sorted out into different classifications and the needed balance between impulse and forethought. Much like a cross between introspection and one’s thought-of public perception leading to either refutation or acceptance, it consumes our consciousness of what transpired out of our existence over the years.
I’m 46
Similarly, I ponder on the what-ifs, the how-comes, the why-nots and even the when-will-it-bes... Yes, despite of the seeming assurance of that “things-you’re-thankful-for-couldn’t-have-happened-if-you-had-it-any-other-way” sort of assumption, I do have regrets. Nonetheless however, I also have aspirations still. These two account for my quintessence as how I’d put it, I guess... Conditional on someone else’s impression, I’m either a failure or a success but it’s serving a purpose.
More than anything else though, I’m glad to have made it this far (or the other way around depending on how you look at it) with a disposition to grasp the realizations behind things happening for a reason. Or at least, that’s what I want to believe to be some conscience-clearing, dignity-assuring and pride-sustaining mentality. Simply put, it’s apparently how I’ve positively carried my fragmented self-worth. It may be as sordid - “sorry did/sorry didn’t” - as it could as well express how I am a failure, both, for what I’ve done wrong and what I’ve failed to do. Not that I’m engaging in self-pity but some means to admit my shortcomings as a first step to come clean and start anew perhaps. I’m breaking free...
First of, it’s to make amends with my own person for lying to myself. It equates to being untruthful to others. I’ve projected a fulfilled facade even at times when I’m inadequate. Yet amidst our social media-influenced society, it’s not even because of that but because of wanting to assure loved ones (family and friends) of a secured outlook when in fact I have my vulnerabilities.
I suppose, I was a people-pleaser until now. Yes, until now that I’m boldly opening up not just about myself but probably paving the way towards further discouragements and analyzations as to my revelation of who I seemed to have pretended. Kindly take note of the word “seemed” there, for I didn’t intentionally pretend. It was never to be purposely pretentious. It was how I didn’t want people to lose faith in me; even just for the people who I thought understood me the most at least. I was no different from those who mask their emotions as much as those who filter their profile or featured social media photos. It may appear to be no different from timeline-posted “happy-nings” yet there could be sadness behind it. Scripted. Edited. Lights. Camera. Action! Cut!
For me though, it may be a case of “what you see is what you get” but I opted to leave some vital truths that are better off kept personal. On that note, I believe to have done the right thing. Thus, let this also be a reminder not to impetuously share everything for public scrutiny particularly when people actually know the truth and have seen the difference. However in my case like anyone else’s, you are gauged by what’s rather presented (or posted) compared to the obvious. Worse is when one is judged for it. Consequently, we are oblivious to, as much as naive about ulterior motives and the unfamiliar factuality; indeed, much like an encryption, people rather “F@€!{ Actuality!” What’s given seems boring, whereas borderline overstatement is intriguing...
For what seemed to have been deemed as ok, actually, it isn’t all sugar and spice and everything nice. As above-mentioned, I have my share of failings and unwittingly enkindled disillusionment. It won’t even pass as white lies as it’s how categorical we want things to be well-received and be “liked”.
Social media is supposed to be a consorting avenue, yet it has also become a platform for misleading informations. And in not wanting to condone such duplicity, I’m guilty of not washing our dirty linen in public which could send a partial depiction of the whole story. Others however, want that kind of attention which, on the other hand, could also work as a balancing factor for comparison among a shared audience. It has become a spectacle or a circus of some sort that draws-in either praise or criticism, in silence or through the brouhaha of gossip. Spreading like wildfire, all the fuss of these tidbits tend to give you a new uncharted personality.
You know how some personalities get recognized with an award due to some of their outstanding nature based on partial criteria showing only the good side... Or those people given “lucky breaks” or those in position... I know a lot who have been endowed with good merits and consummate advancement notwithstanding the skeletons in their closets. Not really liberal to that as much as never was on such receiving end... Thus, I’m starting with this (starting with myself).
I just turned 46. Midlife crisis perhaps...
I sometimes have to be 16 to understand our 16-year old daughter. Sometimes, 10yo with our son and now, we have a 2 1/2-month old baby girl... Like how we’re caught up in this social media generation, we adjust to its/their prevailing capacity offsetting it with that of our established know-how.
Now as I hope, it’s all about being what and how 16-year old or so teens (and everyone else) should be - amidst today’s technological breakthrough in this age of social media influencing - and that is to be real. Although in this “apps and downloads” times, being real gives an outmoded impression. It allows an alter ego in an alternate universe so it seems. Alt + Shift?
What better time to shift than on my way to 47... “for test even” - (and that is) to “test even” how people will react. And as I’ve hinted early on, unpretentiousness is aimed at for all its worth. One essential aspect is to take into consideration its conceivable backlash. Similarly, to come to terms with those I believed I’ve disappointed will be liberating. As I seek for your forbearance, allow me to somehow “let off steam” like a 16-year old, not because it’s my birthday but considering that I’m trying to move on, to move forward - as UTTERly plainSPOKEN as possible. Anyone who knows me being the “funny guy”, would most likely see a different side of my persona. As long as it already is, this article gets longer... Bear with me. Indulge me
And so after a relative self-remission, I’d like to apologize to a lot of people actually as much as this is going to be some honest-to-goodness admittance...
Having this feeling of getting compared to my siblings being the least successful (if I’m even one; I’m the poor one actually), I apologize to my mother for falling short of her expectations to even be someone I hope she can really be proud of no matter what. I’m sorry that she was subjected to confide to others about her concern and disappointments over my assumed incompetencies. And I’m sorry for feeling hurt every time I hear about those negativities instead of confirming it with her. I guess I was afraid to hear it directly from my own mother. I’m sorry that I can’t seem to shake-off the stigma of that perception of me as the happy-go-lucky odd-one-out. I’m sorry to have thought and kept to myself that she seem to find fault in us if only to gain sympathy at our expense. With that, I’m sorry to have misled her with the notion that I’m doing ok when in fact I would have appreciated getting support from her even if it’s just a little understanding. I’m sorry for resorting to what appears to be living beyond our means (that she doubted and questioned) if only to show her that we were doing fine and to keep up with what’s acceptable for her. I miss those times she thought I had that clout having held a respectable position back in the corporate world. I’m sorry for looking out for myself out of pride and moral principle when I resigned from my work/position she deemed with pride; thus, she worried so much. I’m sorry for feeling that her every annoyance at home is triggered by her disappointment in me or my family. I’m sorry we don’t have enough. I’m sorry that I’m not good enough.
To my siblings, I’ve bothered them as well with my shortfalls for which I also apologize. I’m sorry to have fallen short of my choice over a potential success elsewhere to be here instead (for our parents) as it proved insufficient. I’m sorry to have set my priorities based on a more laidback setting. It may have been a choice as much as it’s what I’ve always thought to be a more liberating and noble cause giving back the care to parents, and yet I wasn’t able to deliver as much as even I, myself, have expected. I’m still trying and working on it though, however, I’m sorry that it’s taking longer than it already is...
Whereas with friends, there are varied reasons for different traits and attributes. To my best friends, we’ve gone a long way and through the years, you’ve respectively manifested the essence not just of friendship but of brotherhood. Through ups and downs, you’ve covered my ass in so many ways I couldn’t be thankful enough. You’ve had my back without expectations which, at times, I don’t think I’ve reciprocated well enough; thereby I seek for your understanding and dispensation. I’m sorry to have felt ashamed to even notify you of my standing, embarrassed of how and when I’ll be able to compensate for my deficiencies. Grant me more patience and I’ll be able to repay your kindness.
To my friends, before anything else, this may affect you like those who think they’re the ones being referred to in every apparent “implied rebuking/denunciation” for a post. Possible. Probably. Most likely. Yes. But then, don’t react if you’re not guilty. If it hits a nerve, then it’s the reason behind this apology and this call for absorption towards realization for such a divulgence.
Friend/s,
- I’m sorry for people who get negatively affected by other people’s post/s - I guess, it has something to do with what this whole article is pointing out
- I’m sorry for those who are compelled to comment or react just because they think it’s the good thing to do even if they think otherwise. I’m sorry for misconstrued civility. I’m sorry for “false encouragements”
- And with that, I’m sorry for those who receive “misleading boost of confidence” with the belief it’s true
- I’m sorry for keeping our silence for the self-serving lies maligning our names and defaming humanity
- I’m sorry for judging those sharing detrimental posts without verifying... sometimes, even after they’ve been told of the real story. I’m sorry if I have to say this, shame on you!
- I’m sorry for simply wondering why a comment on your post by one of your friends seems genuinely affectionate, however, they’ve expressed behind your back a different take against you... I’m sorry for not having big enough balls, the gall or the nerve to renounce that person or sell him/her out... I’m sorry for this utter tolerance of hypocrisy
- I’m sorry if you heard the same thing about me keeping mum about what they think of you. It’s probably true but you didn’t hear it from me
- I’m sorry for the wrong information someone else relayed as it strained our relationship
- I’m sorry, your lies and sensationalized stories only validate the opposite of the impression of your personality which you’re trying to convince “not us” but yourself with
- I’m sorry for thinking otherwise upon realizing how, in the end, your thought-of “enemy” is actually more of a friend than your “real” friend
- I’m sorry for my seemingly gullible estimation behind my actual business sense and know-how on the subject at hand. I’m sorry if you thought you gained one on me, I just wanted to protect our friendship. I’m sorry if I seemed to have tolerated such shenanigan
- I’m sorry that you continue to manifest your condescending belief that you’re all that for not telling you the real story behind what other people actually think of your questionable credentials leading to dissimulated disqualification/rejection... I’m sorry, you really are not qualified
- I’m sorry for inwardly doubting your advancement under contentious premise, structure and corporate politics behind my sincere well-wishes for your prosperity
- I’m sorry I’m not in a position to help you financially as I, myself, need it also
- I’m sorry to think and what others likewise think that you’ve only earned your merits out of those who worked hard behind the success that’s credited to you. More than that though, I’m sorry for not telling you
- I’m sorry if I didn’t recognize you in your profile picture... I’ve likewise tried apps and filters for any other reason but pretense. Yours was obviously photoshopped to look like --- not you. I’m sorry I thought it was someone else. True beauty is within
- I’m sorry for not reacting/“liking” your every post/photo. I’m sorry that although we’re friends, it doesn’t mean I agree with your every opinion or the underlying message being hinted on
- I’m sorry for thinking that your blind loyalty, may it be for someone, some cause or some belief is as bleak as your outlook
- I’m sorry if some people will rather see some of these as “not about them” even if it is. I’m sorry if it’ll only stir curiosity and intrigue among those to whom this is alluded to... Likewise, I’m sorry if it’s the other way around wherein you think it’s about you even if it’s not...
- I’m sorry if you’d be made to realize/know/understand these probably hurtful facts should you ask me if it’s about you... And on the other hand, I’m sorry if it hurt you upon realizing that you’re responsible over any of these happening
- I’m sorry that I can only give you hints as I’m sorry that I’m not a sellout... Yet, I’m sorry that I may be the kind of person who if convinced hard-enough with the “promise” (that usually gets broken) that you won’t tell, I just might tell...
- I’m sorry for those who’d rather disregard all of these as mere “assumptions”
- I’m sorry for opening this up as it’s most likely that anyone among us would be able to relate as much as we’re all guilty of some of these. I’m sorry for the sarcasm. I'm sorry, I just needed to get it out...
- I’m sorry for those who’ll be triggered by this and blow it out of proportion and take it out of context
- I’m sorry if because of any of these, you’ll find good-enough reason to unfriend me...
- I’m sorry for grammar-nazis who are more concerned about the grammar than the “dramaer (the one making drama)” or the plot (message)... I’m sorry if you have to point out the “wrongness herein”
- I’m sorry that this is a long post. I’m sorry but this is not for the shallow or those with insubstantial frame of mind
- I’m sorry for those “sorry not sorry” innuendos out of our propensity towards justifying human nature anyhow
- I’m sorry I have to cut this short as it’s already way too long even if there are more... I’m sorry, there’s going to be a sequel
After all these “dramatic twists and turns” for a revelation, it’s something that I also hope will encourage truthfulness instead of the detrimental or vilifying posts against others or oneself in the midst of fakery, hypocrisy, contradiction and exaggeration or even “emotional crisis”.
There’s sunshine after the rain... Abangan
Oh and by the way, I’m sorry that I don’t have money to treat you in celebration of my birthday... by now, you probably don’t like me anymore anyway... Happy Birthday to me then! ✌🏼